6.4.20 Identity

P.W. Blog- 6.4.20
I apologize for my severe tardiness in getting this blog out! Maybe it is that this one is tough for me to write and I’ve overthought, fretted, gone back and forth, (you get the picture) on writing it.  I will go ahead and apologize now for the length of this. 🙂
In an effort to be open and honest though I feel like I must share my struggles with others. I am always reminded that I am not alone on this journey and there are surely others who are going or have gone through the same things as me.
So many thoughts have consumed me regarding work throughout the years. I have pretty much always had to work. After years of floating around and never sticking to one thing the Lord literally dumped a career path in my lap. Something I would have NEVER chosen for myself to be honest. However, I took to it and excelled and worked extremely hard to get to a point where I was a director in my company. I loved what I did, and I hated it as well. Working from home puts you in a unique situation when you have children at home. It is not the rainbows and butterflies that people dream of. My job was VERY demanding at times and I juggled multiple hats, and it required intense concentration. Now add in small children and babies crying for you constantly and you never really being to give your all to them. Older children telling you how much they hated your computer and all it represented. The thing is, I got it. I felt consumed with guilt ALL THE TIME and it felt like torture at the worst of times. It is emotionally exhausting being pulled in so many directions. Yet for many years, I was the main provider. I was the one that kept our family afloat. I was working so that Jess could pursue what the Lord had put on our hearts. Plus, I had worked super hard to get to where I was in my career and I made great money. You can see where the love/hate relationship comes in. I am sad to say that my poor husband had to endure years of my bi-polar attitude when it came to my job.
Now fast-forward to 2020. I was completely burnt out with my career; Jess finally had the job we had prayed for and dreamt of and I wanted to be a bigger part of that. I was beyond ready to quit but quite honestly terrified. We could still use the income it brought in and on my bad days, what would I do ALL day? Work has been such a huge part of my identity, and a security blanket for me. We were poor when I was growing up and I determined that I was NOT going to go through that nor my own kids when I was an adult. I have always struggled with making work/money an idol. But I just had nothing left in my tank and finally Jess pretty much demanded (which I needed) that I quit. I was miserable and I was making everyone else around me miserable. He assured me and reminded me that God has ALWAYS provided for us and we would be fine. We had always felt the Lord calling me to assist with ministry as well and he reminded me that we would finally be able to do ministry together! We agreed that I would take a summer break and hopefully find something part-time in the fall.
These past few months have been a rollercoaster ride for me and for my husband. I have good days but a lot of bad days. On good days, I am so grateful for this chance to not have the burden of a job for once in my life. I can do so many things that I have never had time for, spend time with our kids, and most importantly support Jess since he has been quite busy. On my bad days, I wonder what my purpose is, tell myself no one really needs me anymore, feel bored and restless. I wonder who the heck am I without work, without providing for my family?! I KNOW God is working this out through me, and I am learning a lot about myself. As I mentioned in my last blog, taking thoughts captive is a battle. Boy, has it been a battle! Right when I think I am slowly getting past the worst of it, the devil will throw me a curveball!
So, pray for me. That I will remember that my identity is in Christ but also that God has given me the privilege of being a wife, and a mom, and a friend. There is definitely plenty of purpose in all of that! Prayers for digging out the destructive roots and planting in some strong roots in their place.
So many of you encourage me with your honesty and perseverance! Vulnerability keeps us humble but it also keeps us relatable. It reminds us that we aren’t alone on this journey. For us believers it reminds us that while the sanctification process can be extremely painful at times, we see survivors that have come out on the other side and it gives us hope.
Let us continue to be an open door so that our testimonies will ultimately give God all the glory.
Your sister in Christ,

5 Responses to “6.4.20 Identity”

  1. Danielle says:

    Love your vulnerability and can identify with you! I love how God uses our spouses to speak to us too. I’ll be praying for your mindset and know there are many that will be blessed by what you share!

  2. Betty Ehlers says:

    I so appreciate your openness. That feeling of wondering what our purpose is must be a common lie we get in our heads, because I go there more than I care to admit and it seems to come up with others as well. I do pray for you!

  3. Betty says:

    I wrote out a response but I guess it didn’t get posted, so I’ll just say ditto to what Danielle said. I appreciate you so much and do pray for you.

  4. Linda Lingo says:

    You have touched my heart! Gods people go through a lot of trials and tribulations, to build Godly characters. Whenever I see you I think of a strong survivor. One who stands strong and gives and gives to others! Your testimony will bless others!
    Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. You are a blessing to your family and a special blessing to our church!

  5. Michelle says:

    thank you for being so honest. I so enjoy reading your posts. I too often struggle with where I should be/where God leads me/where the world says I should be/having peace where I am. Thanking God for the blessing of you and your family to our congregation.

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